Life moves....

I joined a Motherless daughters group on facebook. (Laughs out Loud) But really it has been helpful, to have others who really understand what it feels like to lose their mom and to be able to say the things on there that I cant say in "real life" because people will most likely think I'm insane. HA! The one thing that bothers me though are the ones that write these beautiful blogs, I mean these really meaningful blogs about the days after losing their moms and how so many people rallied around them, and they were brought casseroles, and people helped to plan the funeral, pick out the casket, flowers etc etc. On March 17, 2017 my mother died. I did all of the paperwork, I wrote her obituary-that never made it into the paper, I made loose plans of a service that never happened and no one seemed to say anything. Life moved on. It makes my life easier, no service to plan, no more bills to pay with no life insurance to help pay for it but it makes me sad. Because she was a person who I love with the very core of my existence and she deserved a farewell full of butterflies, and flowers and balloons and the people who loved her saying wonderful things about the wonderful person that she was. I find it odd that this all happened without anyone trying to make it happen and during a time when I literally couldn't muster up enough energy to get out of bed some days let alone plan a funeral across the country. So I will continue to take her ashes with me on my travels and I will have her with me next to my bed and I will tell my kids stories about her while I wash there hair and scrub the mud off of their faces and add dragonflies to every inch of my garden and I will remember her.

Remembering my mom one year ago...on this day....

As I sat in the hospital with my mom one year ago today, I read her Harry potter as she lay quietly attached to machines that were helping her breath. I painted her toes, clipped her nails, brushed her hair into an updo bun. I cried, I told her how sorry i was that this was happening to her, I told her I loved her and that she was a great mama who taught us how to be strong. I told her that I wanted her to get better but understood if she was tired of fighting. I helped the nurses suction her mouth, helped them change the pads on her bed, put a blanket next to her head to keep her neck from being scrunched up, settled her each time she became alert but unaware of what was happening. Two days earlier was the last time she was awake, the last time I heard her voice tell me "Have a good night baby, I love you". Even though those days were so long and so hard, I would do anything to go back.

Keep moving...

This is for the people who are having a bad day and think they are having a bad life, you have the power to change your future. I was a 17 year old high school senior.  In an emotionally and physically abusive relationship and got pregnant. I moved in and out of my families houses and ended up living in a house at 8 months pregnant where they were selling drugs and I was too ignorant and naïve to think any different.  I sometimes didn’t have food to eat so I would go to the neighbor’s house and take the oranges from their trees and eat those for days at a time, because when you live with meth addicts, they don’t buy food-they also do not pay for heat which was in December and I was freezing most nights. I had my daughter a month early due to high stress and bad situation. I swallowed my pride and moved back in with my parents. I was on food stamps and monetary assistance from the state. After a year I got a full time job, moved into my own place and still required food assistance and health insurance from the state(welfare). I decided to keep moving even though the abusive relationship continued. I moved to a job with the county of Lapaz in 2004, then to a job with the title agency 2005 I left my abuser after a final police arrest and restraining order was required and in 2006 I moved to Phoenix, 3 hours away from my family to a job with a county and making what I thought was “BANK” at $14/hr. I went to school(never obtained a degree) but I worked my way up. After 6 years I was making $36,000 a year which again I thought was really great and for someone without a degree, it was a decent wage.

After being a single mom for almost 3 years I met my husband at the end of 2005 and we wanted to start a family. We got pregnant right away and at 6 months pregnant found out our son had a severe fetal anomaly that was not compatible with life. Our son died on July 15 2006 in my belly and full of love. So we trucked on through depression and 2 years of infertility treatments to get pregnant and another miscarriage we had our son July of 2010. Two months later my grandmother died, she was my rock and like my mom(my mother is an alcoholic and doesn’t have the emotional capacity to really be a mom for her kids). I was depressed and sad and needed a change. I met my best friend online in a July pregnancy group and after her son Wyatt passed away at 6 months old from a heart defect, I started to visit her in Minnesota. Once I visited I wanted to move. I was on a mission. My husband applied for jobs, I gave my notice at work and within a few months we were in Minnesota and it was September of 2012. Again we wanted to expand our family. We had our daughter Fiona on December 25 2013 and she was our Christmas baby(named after grandma Joann who loved Christmas and Jesus).  Again I wanted more, I had been home for over a year and was ready to go back to work. I applied for a job with a city and lo and behold I got it! Doing what I had been doing in Phoenix, more administrative but for more money so I was happy. Within 6 months I knew I wanted more, I wanted to become a Plans Examiner but was afraid, anxious and doubtful of my skills/intelligence. A position opened up and I applied. After 3 interviews and a test I got the job!!! ME!!! The 17 yr old single mom with no college degree who had been told “you ruined your life” “if you keep going like this you won’t do anything with your life” “what kind of example will you be for your child when you can’t even show up for class”( I graduated high school 6 months early btw). I was in a new position and making over $75,000 a year J

The reason I tell this story isn’t because the money matters but the journey to get here has never been easy but it has been worth it. Between all of these things we had more miscarriages, marital strife, deaths in the family, we filed bankruptcy and paid a large amount that put us in great debt for my husband to adopt our daughter. This is for the people who are struggling or thinking that they can’t do it, aren’t smart enough, don’t have enough help or have been told because they are young single pregnant woman or just the struggling young parent, that they won’t be able to do good for themselves or their children. It is possible. You can do it and you don’t need anyone but yourself and your child to make something of your life. The journey hurts and it is so hard and sometimes you wonder why are you even here? Why are you given this hell to live in? But it won’t always be that way if you push yourself to do your best even when it means moving 1500 miles away from your family. Having them guilt you for leaving and making something of your and your children’s lives. Do what is best for you and your child and you will go places!!!! 

Untimely Death

Sometimes it feels like we cannot breathe, the crushing sadness of it all falls heavily on us to a point that we cannot catch our breath. The tears, the memories, the overwhelming sadness....its so difficult to work through. Grieving the loss of someone we love is never easy, its especially hard when it is so unexpected, so violent. I dont know how to be okay with someone I love feeling that they had no other choice but to end their own life. That they couldnt call a family member, they couldnt seek out the love that we now so desperately want to give them. The feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, regret, blame, these are what I am feeling right now. Losing my cousin, so young and with so much life ahead of him, its undescribeable. I am second guessing my choice to move away from my family, to have this new life, new start, opportunities for better education, life experiences for my children. What do these things mean if they have no family? What is the point of being gone and living this life if we have noone to share it with? I am not sure. I am so unsure. I know that right now isnt the time to make life decisions but I cannot help question the ones I have already made.... I miss you Michael Anthony Ryan. I cherish the summers spent at grandmas, the Sundays at church, the holidays, the barbecues for birthdays, the joking and laughing and the life that we all had with you. I wish you were here, I wish you knew how important you are to us, how much we wish and pray that we could have made things better for you. I am sorry you were so sad. I am angry that you left us. I am guilty that I left Arizona. I regret not telling you that I loved you and missed you and that you were such a special part of my childhood, my life. I blame the person you loved, that she pushed you to the edge, that you were naive in marrying her so young and that she had a power over you. But mostly I miss you. Some people never get to grow up like we all did, being together and being a close family. We were lucky like that and for that I am forever grateful. <3

Alone with my thoughts...

       It is dangerous to be alone with your thoughts, just ask my burnt quesadilla that i was making while thinking that today is October 1st. Infant and pregnancy loss awareness month is upon us. Don't get me wrong it is great that these lives are being remembered and recognized but it just rips my heart open all over again. My son would be 5 next month. We would be planning his birthday party and enjoying his last year in preschool, he would be learning to ride a bike and asking us questions and climbing into our bed when he had a bad dream. But he isn't here, he died on July 25 2007 and we will never get those moments with him. They say you never know how much you love something or someone until you lose them/it. Well you never realize how fragile life is until you lose your child. You never know how you can mourn for years on end while still having to live.
       I have been blessed though, some people would say "How can you do it?" "I wouldn't have been able to get through that" well for awhile I didn't think i could either but i have and i still mourn and love and dream of that little brown eyed boy but I also live. I live for my living children, the ones who hold my heart everyday. Even when they test my patience, argue, fight and cry I love them so unconditionally and appreciate them even more than they know. They will never know their brother and that breaks my heart, but they have each other and I am so grateful I have these two beautiful kids to wake up with everyday.
     I started writing this post to vent but I want to tell everyone who reads this to please kiss those babies and hold them tight and let them know that you love them even when they test your patience and get on your last nerve. <3
                                                       ~Kyle Ethan Gillespie 07/25/07~

A long time...

Its been a long time since I have written. Things are good lately, my attitude is more positive. I still miss my grandma but I know she wont want me to grieve in sadness forever, i still greive but I try to think of all the happiness and all of the converesations that we had. I replay those conversations when I am falling asleep, hearing her voice and praying that she visits me in my dreams. :)

We just passed our son Kyle Ethan's would have been 4th birthday. A 4 year old, I imagine him happy and running and playing on the jungle gym at the park. Dark eyes like his mom and tall and gangly like his dad. How happy we would all be as a family, our three kids. I try to imagine good times we would have so that it doesnt make me so sad that we never got any time with him at all. Very few people remember. At least that is how it feels. Our family never ask about him or talks about his birthday or his angelversary. It is like he only exists to us. But he did exist and i love him and miss him.

Our living children are doing great, very healthy(thank God) and happy. Autumn is now a Gillespie(officially-she always was) and we are living and just taking in every moment with our kids. It is amazing how fast they grow up and how they can melt your heart <3 Declan is getting big and becoming so independent. I cant believe we had him. I cant believe we made this beautiful little boy. I am so thankful for him and everyday remember that he is a blessing. I will never take him for granted. <3

Ok I am done. I better get back to the real world...Blogger Berna OUT. :)

Emotions...

Yesterday was just "one of those days" I thought about my grandmother alot yesterday, thought about my son that I will never know yesterday...ugh my heart is wrenching... why do people have to die? I know eventually it happens for all of us but it is so painful. The biggest thing I am dealing with are the "what if's". What if baby Kyle had not been sick, what would he look like, what would he be doing? People forget I had a son, they forget that he was our first baby together, they dont want to hear about the sad days, they dont want to see the pain that I still carry with me. Not even his father wants to see me cry. Not because he is insensitive but because he wants to focus on the now. But for me, the now includes the loss of my son. I still stand at the sink and do the dishes and remember his kicks and rolls, i remember how happy we were, how proud his daddy was to be having a baby. I remember the last few days when I begged God to heal him, for a miracle to happen, for him to be ok...

I never really got to say goodbye to my grandmother either, she wasnt supposed to go this way. A simple hospital stay and she is gone. I dont understand, so many things I still want to tell her, talk to her about, ask her about. It isnt fair. I want to have our after work talks back, I want to spend the day with her in her garden...i feel guilty. I didnt call enough, didnt visit enough, i moved away from home, i had a family and didnt have enough time. She understood but now I feel guilt...it eats away at me and I ask the what ifs again...

I am just venting...I always write when I am either super happy or super down...I guess today is a down day.