Alone with my thoughts...

       It is dangerous to be alone with your thoughts, just ask my burnt quesadilla that i was making while thinking that today is October 1st. Infant and pregnancy loss awareness month is upon us. Don't get me wrong it is great that these lives are being remembered and recognized but it just rips my heart open all over again. My son would be 5 next month. We would be planning his birthday party and enjoying his last year in preschool, he would be learning to ride a bike and asking us questions and climbing into our bed when he had a bad dream. But he isn't here, he died on July 25 2007 and we will never get those moments with him. They say you never know how much you love something or someone until you lose them/it. Well you never realize how fragile life is until you lose your child. You never know how you can mourn for years on end while still having to live.
       I have been blessed though, some people would say "How can you do it?" "I wouldn't have been able to get through that" well for awhile I didn't think i could either but i have and i still mourn and love and dream of that little brown eyed boy but I also live. I live for my living children, the ones who hold my heart everyday. Even when they test my patience, argue, fight and cry I love them so unconditionally and appreciate them even more than they know. They will never know their brother and that breaks my heart, but they have each other and I am so grateful I have these two beautiful kids to wake up with everyday.
     I started writing this post to vent but I want to tell everyone who reads this to please kiss those babies and hold them tight and let them know that you love them even when they test your patience and get on your last nerve. <3
                                                       ~Kyle Ethan Gillespie 07/25/07~

A long time...

Its been a long time since I have written. Things are good lately, my attitude is more positive. I still miss my grandma but I know she wont want me to grieve in sadness forever, i still greive but I try to think of all the happiness and all of the converesations that we had. I replay those conversations when I am falling asleep, hearing her voice and praying that she visits me in my dreams. :)

We just passed our son Kyle Ethan's would have been 4th birthday. A 4 year old, I imagine him happy and running and playing on the jungle gym at the park. Dark eyes like his mom and tall and gangly like his dad. How happy we would all be as a family, our three kids. I try to imagine good times we would have so that it doesnt make me so sad that we never got any time with him at all. Very few people remember. At least that is how it feels. Our family never ask about him or talks about his birthday or his angelversary. It is like he only exists to us. But he did exist and i love him and miss him.

Our living children are doing great, very healthy(thank God) and happy. Autumn is now a Gillespie(officially-she always was) and we are living and just taking in every moment with our kids. It is amazing how fast they grow up and how they can melt your heart <3 Declan is getting big and becoming so independent. I cant believe we had him. I cant believe we made this beautiful little boy. I am so thankful for him and everyday remember that he is a blessing. I will never take him for granted. <3

Ok I am done. I better get back to the real world...Blogger Berna OUT. :)