Untimely Death

Sometimes it feels like we cannot breathe, the crushing sadness of it all falls heavily on us to a point that we cannot catch our breath. The tears, the memories, the overwhelming sadness....its so difficult to work through. Grieving the loss of someone we love is never easy, its especially hard when it is so unexpected, so violent. I dont know how to be okay with someone I love feeling that they had no other choice but to end their own life. That they couldnt call a family member, they couldnt seek out the love that we now so desperately want to give them. The feelings of anger, sadness, guilt, regret, blame, these are what I am feeling right now. Losing my cousin, so young and with so much life ahead of him, its undescribeable. I am second guessing my choice to move away from my family, to have this new life, new start, opportunities for better education, life experiences for my children. What do these things mean if they have no family? What is the point of being gone and living this life if we have noone to share it with? I am not sure. I am so unsure. I know that right now isnt the time to make life decisions but I cannot help question the ones I have already made.... I miss you Michael Anthony Ryan. I cherish the summers spent at grandmas, the Sundays at church, the holidays, the barbecues for birthdays, the joking and laughing and the life that we all had with you. I wish you were here, I wish you knew how important you are to us, how much we wish and pray that we could have made things better for you. I am sorry you were so sad. I am angry that you left us. I am guilty that I left Arizona. I regret not telling you that I loved you and missed you and that you were such a special part of my childhood, my life. I blame the person you loved, that she pushed you to the edge, that you were naive in marrying her so young and that she had a power over you. But mostly I miss you. Some people never get to grow up like we all did, being together and being a close family. We were lucky like that and for that I am forever grateful. <3