Emotions...

Yesterday was just "one of those days" I thought about my grandmother alot yesterday, thought about my son that I will never know yesterday...ugh my heart is wrenching... why do people have to die? I know eventually it happens for all of us but it is so painful. The biggest thing I am dealing with are the "what if's". What if baby Kyle had not been sick, what would he look like, what would he be doing? People forget I had a son, they forget that he was our first baby together, they dont want to hear about the sad days, they dont want to see the pain that I still carry with me. Not even his father wants to see me cry. Not because he is insensitive but because he wants to focus on the now. But for me, the now includes the loss of my son. I still stand at the sink and do the dishes and remember his kicks and rolls, i remember how happy we were, how proud his daddy was to be having a baby. I remember the last few days when I begged God to heal him, for a miracle to happen, for him to be ok...

I never really got to say goodbye to my grandmother either, she wasnt supposed to go this way. A simple hospital stay and she is gone. I dont understand, so many things I still want to tell her, talk to her about, ask her about. It isnt fair. I want to have our after work talks back, I want to spend the day with her in her garden...i feel guilty. I didnt call enough, didnt visit enough, i moved away from home, i had a family and didnt have enough time. She understood but now I feel guilt...it eats away at me and I ask the what ifs again...

I am just venting...I always write when I am either super happy or super down...I guess today is a down day.

So sad...

So sad today, reading blogs of mommies and daddies that have lost their babies. I hate this, I hate that babies have to get sick and there are millions of bad evil people who get to live. I hate that my friends have to lose their children, I hate that they have to wonder if/when they will have more kids, I hate that I try to give them strength but I know that nothing I do will help them.

I would give MY ability to have kids away so that no more babies had to get sick and die. I would let God take my legs, arms, sight so that these parents would never have to feel this pain. I feel sick and suffocated when I remember my friends son and that he is now gone, I can only imagine the hurt that she is going through. I wish there was more that I could do...this isnt fair and it sucks.

Grams....

     My grandmother Joann Roles was 65 years old May 10, 2010 and passed away from complications of lung cancer on September 1st 2010. She was a Taurus, a strong willed full of life person. She didnt back down from anyone or anything. She had a hard life until she met my grandfather in her late 30's and they got married and never looked back. She was taken to soon but I am so grateful for the time that I had with her. I realize now how important the people in our lives are and how important it is to cherish each moment. I can remember walking out of her house with Declan after she met him for the first time and thinking, "Oh i forgot to ask grandma about her butter bean recipe, oh well i will ask her next time I see her." Unfortunately that was the last time that I was able to see my grandmother.

    I am thinking about her alot lately. One of my coworkers wife has cancer and it is still so fresh, the loss of my grandma.I think it isnt fair, she wont get to see her miracle baby grow up. She was such a big supporter of my marriage to Kyle and she was a huge supporter on our road to concieve a baby. When I let her hold Declan she cried and then she apologized for crying lol She said, "You are such a blessing from God, thank you Jesus thank you Jesus!" I can hear her voice as she cried and held her first great grandson and spoke these words to him. She was so proud that I was nursing him and told me that if I decided to try formula to use soy because it is easier on their tummies. Oh how I wish I could call her for advice, I used to call her on my way home from work and she would say "Are you driving and talking on the phone!? Call me when you get home." Such a crazy lady but she was our crazy lady. Ugh the pain of her death resonates in my chest, I feel the lump in my throat and the tears sting my eyes as I think of her. Mostly of all the things she wont get to see.

    But we cant be sad, she lived a wonderful full life and is in heaven with my papa. She told me, "When I die dont be sad. I will be up in heaven dancing with your grandpa. You should have a party and celebrate that I am with papa Frank again." So I will continue to miss her and as days go on I will heal but never forget my Grams.

Valentines Day....a day of remembrance.

     Who knew that my life would be where it is today? Not me. I am so blessed with my family, my husband, my children and my friends. Four years ago I found out we were pregnant with our son. It was a wonderful Valentines Day. Unfortunately we lost him later that year and the Valentines Days that followed were happy but sorrowful at the same time. Today I am happy. Happy that I have my new baby boy and that I am not sad this Valentines day. But I do wonder what it would be like having all of my kids together. I guess when I get to Heaven I will see him again, his perfect little face, long little feet and his sweet smelling hair. I will get to hold him in my arms and he will be perfect with no earthly "defects". He will be healthy and happy and have his mama to give him lots of love. I miss him so much. I had so much hope for him when we found out we were pregnant, so much hope for our family to grow. Autumn would have a brother only 4 years younger than her and we would be complete. But life doesnt always work out the way we want it to. God had bigger plans for my son. I am proud that he is an angel in Heaven, I am proud that he was too good for this earth so God wanted him.
     So Valentines is a day of love but for me it is also a day of remembrance for my first son Kyle Ethan. We love you so much and cant wait to see you again in Heaven.

Diversity, opinions and just plain Evil...

     The past few days have been a whirlwind of emotion. It all started with an email. I sent an email to a girl who was overtly announcing her pregnancy. At first glance it may seem that I was out of line, but just like any story there is a backround story. The girl has been inconsiderate, rude and self centered since the beginning of our meeting almost two years ago. She is someone who puts herself first before her husband and even her children. I kept my mouth closed when she referenced her daughters as "bitches", they are 2 yrs old and 7 months, I gave my opinion nicely when she told that she lied to the tanning salon so that she could continue to tan while pregnant, i was compassionate when she admitted to having an eating disorder, i kept my mouth shut when she went crazy on another mother for giving her daughter the same middle name as her own daughters first name. I avoided her posts and swept our differences aside for the harmony of our group. But once one of my friends lost her son and once the tacky and overtness of this girls "wonderful" pregnancy news came out I had to say something. Three days earlier she was hoping to not be pregnant. She didnt want to get fat and stretched out, she hated being pregnant, it made her "miserable", she couldnt hand 3 kids under 3 years old. Yet once the news broke she made a complete turn around and started posting like she had been trying for years.
     So I sent an email asking her to "cool the posts" that it was hurtful and distasteful especially when our friend had lost her only son only two weeks ago. I didnt expect her to not be happy about her pregnancy, if she wants to disallusion herself and act happy then that is her problem but to make 7 posts regarding the news and throw out all the comments from the previous 3 days....well that is a hypocrite and an insensitive one at that. So she responded with hate, evil and condiscending tone. It wasnt "her fault that Wyatt had died" and his mother was "selfish" to not have aborted him at 20 weeks when they found out he was sick. The moment I read this I broke down. How could someone say these things about a grieving mother, how could someone even think these things? Who was she to decide if Wyatt should be born? Was she God? In fact the most heartbreaking part is that she says she is a Christian yet she promotes abortion even when it is Gods will that the child be sick? I agree that people can have a difference of opinions and that diversity makes the world interesting but there is no room in my life for evil and vindictive behavior and hurtful words.
     The saddest part of this whole situation is that not all my "friends" felt this way. They didnt see the evil that she seethed into her email. The women who i trusted with my sons birth story, the women who i trusted with my marriage issues, the women that I trusted with my everyday life stories and they didnt stand behind me. Not even me, they didnt stand behind the one person who was hurt the most. Most importantly they didnt stand behind Wyatt. By them defending her, they are saying that his life was dispensable, that they are not going to stand up to someone who thinks he should never have been born at all. Only a few, a handful, had the courage to take a stand. To those I greatly appreciate. So maybe I dont know these other women at all...

Infertility...it haunts me.

       After having a daughter at 17 after missing a few birth control pills I thought once I was ready to be married and have more kids it would just happen.
       Well it did but then at 16 weeks we got the news that our son has omphalocele, levo-rotation of his heart and a hole in his septum that blood was flowing through incorrectly. We were given the diagnosis of limb body wall complex and we lost our son on July 25th 2007. A month later we got married and in november of 2007 we started our journey of trying to concieve.
       We both thought it would be simple because we had gotten pregnant within 2 months of trying with Kyle. Well 18 months later we were diagnosed as secondary infertility due to polycystic ovarian syndrome. Needless to say I was heartbroken. After losing our child and wanting another so badly I was told that we would have to go through fertility treatment in order to concieve. At this point I became even more depressed/obsessed with having a baby. We started clomid and intrauterine insemination, after 3 months and 3 tries we FINALLY concieved! hallelujiah! At 5 weeks pregnant I started bleeding and later that night miscarried our second child. This was the final blow to my self confidence/self worth. I couldnt give my husband a child. I wanted to die.
     Instead I started working out and praying and praying and lost about 25lbs. One night i realized that I had been waking up to pee at night and I hadnt started my period yet. I told Kyle i thought I was pregnant, his response "After 3 years of trying and now you think it just happened...ok i will go get a test." So he went and bought and FRER and handed me the bag. So he was washing Autumns hair and I went to take the test. There were TWO LINES! OMG I wanted to scream/cry/lay down and not get out of bed for 40 weeks. I was so happy but so scared and in denial. I called Kyle out of the bathroom and said "There are two lines, we are pregnant." He smiled and walked back into the bathroom to help Autumn rinse the shampoo. LOL I made a dr appt the next day and we didnt talk about it until our first appt at 7weeks when we were praying to see the heartbeat. We kept calling the baby "denial". Well when "denial" is born it will be summer and we will need to figure out daycare etc for "denial". We didnt want to name the baby because we didnt want to get hurt.
     The first appointment at 7 weeks was so nerve wracking, but as she did the ultrasound I saw a blinking black spot. I said, "Oh my God, there is a heartbeat." Kyle and I just looked at eachother and smiled. Relaxation was not in our minds even at this point. We needed to get past 12 weeks, that was our key to telling our parents. Plus we would be having our NT scan at this time and wanted to make sure that everything looked "normal" before we told our family the news. Our scan came and went and everything looked great. We told our parents and family at Christmas Eve and everyone rejoiced. But as parents of a child who had passed we were not letting our gaurd down. We had extra scans and extra this and extra that. We had a echo for his heart and this was the last and final step. We had to wait until we were 5 months along before we could get this because his heart had to be big enough to see on the echo. We passed with flying colors. Daddy started to relax but I did not take a breather.
    I made him move by eating ice, i would wake up and lay in bed until i felt the kicks and rolls. I quit caffeine, burning candles(certain wicks can cause birth defects) stopped using face wash and envisioned God holding my baby safely in his hands everyday. I would pray that we would have a live child with no complications. The anxiety never ceased but we had Declan Kyle Gillespie on July 8th 2010 and he was perfect. Thank God.
    Today I started my cycle for the first time since getting pregnant with Declan and I am terrified. If I dont use protection and dont get pregnant does that mean no more kids? More fertility treatments? If I do use birth control once I am off will I be able to get pregnant? Once I do get pregnant, will i miscarry again? Will my baby make it? I hate the constant dread/anxiety. I will never have another "easy" pregnancy, I will never NOT worry about getting pregnant and staying pregnant, I will always have the extra scans because of my son Kyle. In a way i want to say we will not have any more kids, this way I wont have to be dissappointed, hurt, scared if something does not go my way.
   All I have to say is...Infertility, I HATE YOU!

Friends...

What are friends? Before last year I thought friends were the people that you grow up with and kept in touch with, the coworkers that you go to lunch with and the people you hang out with on the weekend. Until last year my amount of friends was very slim. LOL Once I got pregnant and converted from a TWWaiter to a July Mama I started to realize that friends come in all different packages. They can be in Australia, New Zealand, England, Canada, the South, the midwest and still you can all be friends and share a close bond. These friends that I have now know more what is going on in my life than the "friends" that I had before, they have gone with me through some of the roughest times in my life and offered support, encouragement and an ear that listened. I am so blessed to have found them and so blessed to be able to call all the July mamas my friends.
It is funny when I talk about them to my husband he knows who they are, he asks about their dr appts, their surgeries, there holidays. He knows that these women have made my life more enjoyable. Some people I can tell do not "get it". They are like, "internet friends"? They dont understand how I can be so close with people that I have never met. But really i dont care what they think. I have gained so much knowledge, strength and happiness from all of my July mamas and I am so thankful that God steared me toward our forum.
I cant wait for us to grow old together, have grandbabies together and meet in Paris and paint the town red!

About me...

I am doing this blog because I want to remember all the great things in my life, well at least the things that have greatly impacted it. Whether it be the sad parts or the happy parts, all things great have shaped the person that I am.

I am a mother to two beautiful blessings named Autumn and Declan.

I am a wife to a wonderfully supportive husband named Kyle.

I have survived infertility, miscarriage and a 2nd trimester loss.

I am the daughter of an alcoholic.

I am a domestic violence survivor.

As you can see all things great(good and bad) have shaped my life. But it is my life and no one can ever take that away.