Yesterday was just "one of those days" I thought about my grandmother alot yesterday, thought about my son that I will never know yesterday...ugh my heart is wrenching... why do people have to die? I know eventually it happens for all of us but it is so painful. The biggest thing I am dealing with are the "what if's". What if baby Kyle had not been sick, what would he look like, what would he be doing? People forget I had a son, they forget that he was our first baby together, they dont want to hear about the sad days, they dont want to see the pain that I still carry with me. Not even his father wants to see me cry. Not because he is insensitive but because he wants to focus on the now. But for me, the now includes the loss of my son. I still stand at the sink and do the dishes and remember his kicks and rolls, i remember how happy we were, how proud his daddy was to be having a baby. I remember the last few days when I begged God to heal him, for a miracle to happen, for him to be ok...
I never really got to say goodbye to my grandmother either, she wasnt supposed to go this way. A simple hospital stay and she is gone. I dont understand, so many things I still want to tell her, talk to her about, ask her about. It isnt fair. I want to have our after work talks back, I want to spend the day with her in her garden...i feel guilty. I didnt call enough, didnt visit enough, i moved away from home, i had a family and didnt have enough time. She understood but now I feel guilt...it eats away at me and I ask the what ifs again...
I am just venting...I always write when I am either super happy or super down...I guess today is a down day.
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