Infertility...it haunts me.

       After having a daughter at 17 after missing a few birth control pills I thought once I was ready to be married and have more kids it would just happen.
       Well it did but then at 16 weeks we got the news that our son has omphalocele, levo-rotation of his heart and a hole in his septum that blood was flowing through incorrectly. We were given the diagnosis of limb body wall complex and we lost our son on July 25th 2007. A month later we got married and in november of 2007 we started our journey of trying to concieve.
       We both thought it would be simple because we had gotten pregnant within 2 months of trying with Kyle. Well 18 months later we were diagnosed as secondary infertility due to polycystic ovarian syndrome. Needless to say I was heartbroken. After losing our child and wanting another so badly I was told that we would have to go through fertility treatment in order to concieve. At this point I became even more depressed/obsessed with having a baby. We started clomid and intrauterine insemination, after 3 months and 3 tries we FINALLY concieved! hallelujiah! At 5 weeks pregnant I started bleeding and later that night miscarried our second child. This was the final blow to my self confidence/self worth. I couldnt give my husband a child. I wanted to die.
     Instead I started working out and praying and praying and lost about 25lbs. One night i realized that I had been waking up to pee at night and I hadnt started my period yet. I told Kyle i thought I was pregnant, his response "After 3 years of trying and now you think it just happened...ok i will go get a test." So he went and bought and FRER and handed me the bag. So he was washing Autumns hair and I went to take the test. There were TWO LINES! OMG I wanted to scream/cry/lay down and not get out of bed for 40 weeks. I was so happy but so scared and in denial. I called Kyle out of the bathroom and said "There are two lines, we are pregnant." He smiled and walked back into the bathroom to help Autumn rinse the shampoo. LOL I made a dr appt the next day and we didnt talk about it until our first appt at 7weeks when we were praying to see the heartbeat. We kept calling the baby "denial". Well when "denial" is born it will be summer and we will need to figure out daycare etc for "denial". We didnt want to name the baby because we didnt want to get hurt.
     The first appointment at 7 weeks was so nerve wracking, but as she did the ultrasound I saw a blinking black spot. I said, "Oh my God, there is a heartbeat." Kyle and I just looked at eachother and smiled. Relaxation was not in our minds even at this point. We needed to get past 12 weeks, that was our key to telling our parents. Plus we would be having our NT scan at this time and wanted to make sure that everything looked "normal" before we told our family the news. Our scan came and went and everything looked great. We told our parents and family at Christmas Eve and everyone rejoiced. But as parents of a child who had passed we were not letting our gaurd down. We had extra scans and extra this and extra that. We had a echo for his heart and this was the last and final step. We had to wait until we were 5 months along before we could get this because his heart had to be big enough to see on the echo. We passed with flying colors. Daddy started to relax but I did not take a breather.
    I made him move by eating ice, i would wake up and lay in bed until i felt the kicks and rolls. I quit caffeine, burning candles(certain wicks can cause birth defects) stopped using face wash and envisioned God holding my baby safely in his hands everyday. I would pray that we would have a live child with no complications. The anxiety never ceased but we had Declan Kyle Gillespie on July 8th 2010 and he was perfect. Thank God.
    Today I started my cycle for the first time since getting pregnant with Declan and I am terrified. If I dont use protection and dont get pregnant does that mean no more kids? More fertility treatments? If I do use birth control once I am off will I be able to get pregnant? Once I do get pregnant, will i miscarry again? Will my baby make it? I hate the constant dread/anxiety. I will never have another "easy" pregnancy, I will never NOT worry about getting pregnant and staying pregnant, I will always have the extra scans because of my son Kyle. In a way i want to say we will not have any more kids, this way I wont have to be dissappointed, hurt, scared if something does not go my way.
   All I have to say is...Infertility, I HATE YOU!