Alone with my thoughts...

       It is dangerous to be alone with your thoughts, just ask my burnt quesadilla that i was making while thinking that today is October 1st. Infant and pregnancy loss awareness month is upon us. Don't get me wrong it is great that these lives are being remembered and recognized but it just rips my heart open all over again. My son would be 5 next month. We would be planning his birthday party and enjoying his last year in preschool, he would be learning to ride a bike and asking us questions and climbing into our bed when he had a bad dream. But he isn't here, he died on July 25 2007 and we will never get those moments with him. They say you never know how much you love something or someone until you lose them/it. Well you never realize how fragile life is until you lose your child. You never know how you can mourn for years on end while still having to live.
       I have been blessed though, some people would say "How can you do it?" "I wouldn't have been able to get through that" well for awhile I didn't think i could either but i have and i still mourn and love and dream of that little brown eyed boy but I also live. I live for my living children, the ones who hold my heart everyday. Even when they test my patience, argue, fight and cry I love them so unconditionally and appreciate them even more than they know. They will never know their brother and that breaks my heart, but they have each other and I am so grateful I have these two beautiful kids to wake up with everyday.
     I started writing this post to vent but I want to tell everyone who reads this to please kiss those babies and hold them tight and let them know that you love them even when they test your patience and get on your last nerve. <3
                                                       ~Kyle Ethan Gillespie 07/25/07~

A long time...

Its been a long time since I have written. Things are good lately, my attitude is more positive. I still miss my grandma but I know she wont want me to grieve in sadness forever, i still greive but I try to think of all the happiness and all of the converesations that we had. I replay those conversations when I am falling asleep, hearing her voice and praying that she visits me in my dreams. :)

We just passed our son Kyle Ethan's would have been 4th birthday. A 4 year old, I imagine him happy and running and playing on the jungle gym at the park. Dark eyes like his mom and tall and gangly like his dad. How happy we would all be as a family, our three kids. I try to imagine good times we would have so that it doesnt make me so sad that we never got any time with him at all. Very few people remember. At least that is how it feels. Our family never ask about him or talks about his birthday or his angelversary. It is like he only exists to us. But he did exist and i love him and miss him.

Our living children are doing great, very healthy(thank God) and happy. Autumn is now a Gillespie(officially-she always was) and we are living and just taking in every moment with our kids. It is amazing how fast they grow up and how they can melt your heart <3 Declan is getting big and becoming so independent. I cant believe we had him. I cant believe we made this beautiful little boy. I am so thankful for him and everyday remember that he is a blessing. I will never take him for granted. <3

Ok I am done. I better get back to the real world...Blogger Berna OUT. :)

Emotions...

Yesterday was just "one of those days" I thought about my grandmother alot yesterday, thought about my son that I will never know yesterday...ugh my heart is wrenching... why do people have to die? I know eventually it happens for all of us but it is so painful. The biggest thing I am dealing with are the "what if's". What if baby Kyle had not been sick, what would he look like, what would he be doing? People forget I had a son, they forget that he was our first baby together, they dont want to hear about the sad days, they dont want to see the pain that I still carry with me. Not even his father wants to see me cry. Not because he is insensitive but because he wants to focus on the now. But for me, the now includes the loss of my son. I still stand at the sink and do the dishes and remember his kicks and rolls, i remember how happy we were, how proud his daddy was to be having a baby. I remember the last few days when I begged God to heal him, for a miracle to happen, for him to be ok...

I never really got to say goodbye to my grandmother either, she wasnt supposed to go this way. A simple hospital stay and she is gone. I dont understand, so many things I still want to tell her, talk to her about, ask her about. It isnt fair. I want to have our after work talks back, I want to spend the day with her in her garden...i feel guilty. I didnt call enough, didnt visit enough, i moved away from home, i had a family and didnt have enough time. She understood but now I feel guilt...it eats away at me and I ask the what ifs again...

I am just venting...I always write when I am either super happy or super down...I guess today is a down day.

So sad...

So sad today, reading blogs of mommies and daddies that have lost their babies. I hate this, I hate that babies have to get sick and there are millions of bad evil people who get to live. I hate that my friends have to lose their children, I hate that they have to wonder if/when they will have more kids, I hate that I try to give them strength but I know that nothing I do will help them.

I would give MY ability to have kids away so that no more babies had to get sick and die. I would let God take my legs, arms, sight so that these parents would never have to feel this pain. I feel sick and suffocated when I remember my friends son and that he is now gone, I can only imagine the hurt that she is going through. I wish there was more that I could do...this isnt fair and it sucks.

Grams....

     My grandmother Joann Roles was 65 years old May 10, 2010 and passed away from complications of lung cancer on September 1st 2010. She was a Taurus, a strong willed full of life person. She didnt back down from anyone or anything. She had a hard life until she met my grandfather in her late 30's and they got married and never looked back. She was taken to soon but I am so grateful for the time that I had with her. I realize now how important the people in our lives are and how important it is to cherish each moment. I can remember walking out of her house with Declan after she met him for the first time and thinking, "Oh i forgot to ask grandma about her butter bean recipe, oh well i will ask her next time I see her." Unfortunately that was the last time that I was able to see my grandmother.

    I am thinking about her alot lately. One of my coworkers wife has cancer and it is still so fresh, the loss of my grandma.I think it isnt fair, she wont get to see her miracle baby grow up. She was such a big supporter of my marriage to Kyle and she was a huge supporter on our road to concieve a baby. When I let her hold Declan she cried and then she apologized for crying lol She said, "You are such a blessing from God, thank you Jesus thank you Jesus!" I can hear her voice as she cried and held her first great grandson and spoke these words to him. She was so proud that I was nursing him and told me that if I decided to try formula to use soy because it is easier on their tummies. Oh how I wish I could call her for advice, I used to call her on my way home from work and she would say "Are you driving and talking on the phone!? Call me when you get home." Such a crazy lady but she was our crazy lady. Ugh the pain of her death resonates in my chest, I feel the lump in my throat and the tears sting my eyes as I think of her. Mostly of all the things she wont get to see.

    But we cant be sad, she lived a wonderful full life and is in heaven with my papa. She told me, "When I die dont be sad. I will be up in heaven dancing with your grandpa. You should have a party and celebrate that I am with papa Frank again." So I will continue to miss her and as days go on I will heal but never forget my Grams.

Valentines Day....a day of remembrance.

     Who knew that my life would be where it is today? Not me. I am so blessed with my family, my husband, my children and my friends. Four years ago I found out we were pregnant with our son. It was a wonderful Valentines Day. Unfortunately we lost him later that year and the Valentines Days that followed were happy but sorrowful at the same time. Today I am happy. Happy that I have my new baby boy and that I am not sad this Valentines day. But I do wonder what it would be like having all of my kids together. I guess when I get to Heaven I will see him again, his perfect little face, long little feet and his sweet smelling hair. I will get to hold him in my arms and he will be perfect with no earthly "defects". He will be healthy and happy and have his mama to give him lots of love. I miss him so much. I had so much hope for him when we found out we were pregnant, so much hope for our family to grow. Autumn would have a brother only 4 years younger than her and we would be complete. But life doesnt always work out the way we want it to. God had bigger plans for my son. I am proud that he is an angel in Heaven, I am proud that he was too good for this earth so God wanted him.
     So Valentines is a day of love but for me it is also a day of remembrance for my first son Kyle Ethan. We love you so much and cant wait to see you again in Heaven.

Diversity, opinions and just plain Evil...

     The past few days have been a whirlwind of emotion. It all started with an email. I sent an email to a girl who was overtly announcing her pregnancy. At first glance it may seem that I was out of line, but just like any story there is a backround story. The girl has been inconsiderate, rude and self centered since the beginning of our meeting almost two years ago. She is someone who puts herself first before her husband and even her children. I kept my mouth closed when she referenced her daughters as "bitches", they are 2 yrs old and 7 months, I gave my opinion nicely when she told that she lied to the tanning salon so that she could continue to tan while pregnant, i was compassionate when she admitted to having an eating disorder, i kept my mouth shut when she went crazy on another mother for giving her daughter the same middle name as her own daughters first name. I avoided her posts and swept our differences aside for the harmony of our group. But once one of my friends lost her son and once the tacky and overtness of this girls "wonderful" pregnancy news came out I had to say something. Three days earlier she was hoping to not be pregnant. She didnt want to get fat and stretched out, she hated being pregnant, it made her "miserable", she couldnt hand 3 kids under 3 years old. Yet once the news broke she made a complete turn around and started posting like she had been trying for years.
     So I sent an email asking her to "cool the posts" that it was hurtful and distasteful especially when our friend had lost her only son only two weeks ago. I didnt expect her to not be happy about her pregnancy, if she wants to disallusion herself and act happy then that is her problem but to make 7 posts regarding the news and throw out all the comments from the previous 3 days....well that is a hypocrite and an insensitive one at that. So she responded with hate, evil and condiscending tone. It wasnt "her fault that Wyatt had died" and his mother was "selfish" to not have aborted him at 20 weeks when they found out he was sick. The moment I read this I broke down. How could someone say these things about a grieving mother, how could someone even think these things? Who was she to decide if Wyatt should be born? Was she God? In fact the most heartbreaking part is that she says she is a Christian yet she promotes abortion even when it is Gods will that the child be sick? I agree that people can have a difference of opinions and that diversity makes the world interesting but there is no room in my life for evil and vindictive behavior and hurtful words.
     The saddest part of this whole situation is that not all my "friends" felt this way. They didnt see the evil that she seethed into her email. The women who i trusted with my sons birth story, the women who i trusted with my marriage issues, the women that I trusted with my everyday life stories and they didnt stand behind me. Not even me, they didnt stand behind the one person who was hurt the most. Most importantly they didnt stand behind Wyatt. By them defending her, they are saying that his life was dispensable, that they are not going to stand up to someone who thinks he should never have been born at all. Only a few, a handful, had the courage to take a stand. To those I greatly appreciate. So maybe I dont know these other women at all...